KID OF A CHEF SERIES
Written by “Kid of a Chef”
The Gluten-Free Rock Star
Living your life Gluten-Free, whether by design or by requirement, forces you to become the most demanding person alive (aside from other Gluten-Free harridans) when eating a meal away from home.
Whenever I make dinner plans, I am immediately perceived as a mix between the infamous character Sally in the film “When Harry Met Sally” and a slightly deranged Rock Star who has a list of requirements to play at your stadium. Except that instead of a stadium, I am in your kitchen, and instead of a film, it is real life.
I dread going out for dinner or being invited to a friend’s house because I show up with a list of demands longer than the intended menu. First, I can’t have anything with ANY grains or gluten. Secondly, I can’t have anything that THINKS its a grain. Next, I want to check each-and-every ingredient you are cooking with to make sure it is not bound to any sort of gluten or grain-type product. Anything that quacks like a grain probably is one and will send me into fits of reaction for days on end. If you don’t have a completely gluten and grain-free kitchen, I will have nothing at all. Oh, and don’t forget, I want you to pick all of the BLUE M&M’s out of the candy jar (not red, just blue), put them on a silver platter and sing falsetto while balancing on your head juggling pickle jars.
Sometimes I think juggling is easier than cooking an entire meal to accommodate one measly little person. What right do I have, I think to myself, to make such impossible demands on people? I am often asked by a nervous dinner host how they could possibly know if they have made a truly gluten-free/grain-free dinner. I have gotten out of the habit of answering in a comedic tone as that does not seem to go over well and respond by simply saying: “A salad will be fine. In fact, I can even bring my own.”